The Daycare only Has One Bathroom for Adults

Me: *pulls on bathroom door* 

Woman with Daughter Standing on Other Side of Room: There is someone in there. 

Me: Are you in line?

Brain: Please say no. Please say no. Please say no. 

Woman: Yes. 

Brain: Goddamnit!!!!

Me: Oops. Didn’t mean to cut in line. 

Woman: It’s okay.  *adjusts daughter’s ponytail*

Her Daughter: Ow! Mommy, stop pulling on my hair!

Me: Your hair is lovely. 

Brain: Finally! The bathroom hogger is out!  We only have to wait a few more minutes. Just don’t humiliate me by doing the pee-pee dance. 

Woman: *steps onto bathroom threshold* Honey, what do you say?

Daughter: *glares*

Woman: We are working on manners.  Honey, the nice lady paid you a compliment. What do you say?

Brain: You don’t say anything!  Lady, shut the fuck up and use the frakking toilet!!!

Me: I know what that’s like. 

Brain: Stop seeming so normal. Be yourself and she will RUN into the bathroom. 

Woman: Honey, what do you say to the nice lady?

Daughter: *crosses arms*

Me: Don’t worry about it.

Brain: There is an Wonder Woman action figure holding a sword on the shelf. You can stab her in the jugular, step over her, and be on the toilet before she bleeds out.

Woman: It is so important that they learn manners early. 

Me: *nods and tries to keep eyes from crossing*

Brain: We don’t have time for Wonder Woman. Grab that kiddie stool and whack her over the head. More effort, but less blood. 

Daughter: Thank you. 

Brain: Thank the Maker!

Woman: *closes the bathroom door*

Daughter: What are you doing?

Me: The pee-pee dance. 

I Weep

I just read Netflix is going to make Margaret Atwood’s novel, Alias Grace, into a series. The first comment following the article was “I wonder if Jennifer Gardner will make a cameo. I loved her in the original Alias.” I have to go cry now.

Prime Day Fallout 

Brain: See. That wasn’t so bad! You are adjusting to the Paper White. You turned off the ads for free. You deleted some of your TWENTY-SEVEN devices that had access to your Amazon account. (For the love of Hera, woman! Get a life!) All’s right with the world. 

Me: It doesn’t feel right. 

Brain: You can hold it in your dominant hand and page turn by tapping the screen. 

Me: I can’t back page one-handed.

Brain: You will adapt. See how far you have already come?

Me: I guess. 

Brain: What are you doing? This is a bad idea –

Me: Nooooooooo!!!!! Nooooooooo!!!! Nooooooo!!!!

Brain: You can overcome this!

Me: I can’t play Thread Words!!!!! It is my favorite game and it was only available on my Kindle!!!!! 

Brain: So you can’t play one game. What are you going to do? Sit in a corner, hold your knees, rock, and whimper? Wait… No! Get away from the corner! Edge towards the middle of the room!!! No, dammit!!! Don’t sit… Fine, don’t rock… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

All Good Things End Badly

Me: I will not cry. I will not cry.

Brain: It is a nice, new Paper-White Kindle. 

Me: I can’t believe my non-touchscreen, no-alphabet-keys, awesome Kindle with the side buttons that turned pages is dying. I don’t have to swipe to turn a page. I don’t have to do anything but apply light pressure where I am already holding the device. 

Brain: Let’s set up the new Kindle and then we can put on the hair shirt and find some ashes. Maybe do some keening and self-mutilation. 

Me: OMG!!! THERE ARE ADS ON THIS THING!!!!

Brain: Breathe. In two years, when you have paid off your #PrimeDay shopping spree, you may be able to pay Amazon to turn off the ads. 

Me: *sniff* *surreptitiously wipes eyes*

Brain: Are you CRYING?!?!

Me: There are no side buttons and I have to deal with ads. The Prime Day celebration is over. 

Brain: Let’s download some books and give the new Kindle a chance. 

Me: How can there be ads in the way of my reading?!?!

Brain: Download. Just download. 

Kindle: You have exceeded the number of devices on which you can have this book. 

Me: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Brain: I am NOT looking up the suicide prevention hotline number for this. I am NOT! 

Unsupervised on Prime Day 

Me: Woohoo! I just bought a 55″ TV!

Brain: There is nothing wrong with your current 40-ish inch TV. 

Me: It is a 4K Ultra-HD Smart LED TV!

Brain: You know what none of that means. Seriously. You have no clue what any of that means. You had to look at the webpage three times to successfully type that string of gibberish. 

Me: I saved so much money! It was the Prime Day special that all the websites said was THE deal to get. And I got it!

Brain: You spent a small fortune on something you don’t need and don’t understand. 

Me: But I got it before it sold out!

Brain: *sigh* Yay you. Wow. Congrats. It was so worth the money. And you saved so much by spending money you don’t have on something you don’t need. 

Me: I sense you aren’t entirely sincere…

A day in the life

Office Manager: Today is going to be rough. 

Me: It is a three day week. We’ve got this. 

Office Manager: Campus Carry is officially in effect. There are multiple “emergency” requests to film on campus. The CDC needs a response on issue X. The EU visa changes and issues at US Department of State mean that we need an emergency amendment to an international agreement with an EU university. There are complications with a donation matter. And you have twenty-three contracts to review. 

Me: It is 8:43 AM!

Office Manager: And we are just getting started. 

Me: #%*!

Office Manager: Of course, dealing with this means you get to stay in your office and avoid human interaction. 

Me: Woohoo!!!!

Special Hell

I have no idea what I did to deserve the Special Hell, but a two hour drive with a three-year old turned into a five hour nightmare.  Multiple wrecks, pouring rain, and standstill traffic.  I am not a pedophile, nor do I talk in the theater.  What did I do?????