Failing at Preparing

Me: Look at how beautiful that is! All those neat packing cubes for me and Munchkin. All I have to do is put them in suitcases!

Brain: Did you pack underwear yet?

Me: I don’t think so.

Brain: Socks?

Me: Probably not.

Brain: Where are the cold weather clothes versus the hot weather clothes?

Me: Um…

Brain: Did you remember to pack pants?

Me: Surely there is a pair of pants in there somewhere. Right?

Brain: Where is what Munchkin is supposed to wear on the plane?

Me: …

Brain: Is there a hairbrush? Where are your contact lens supplies?

Me: I have to open all these cubes, sort, review, and repack, don’t I?

Brain: Yep. Congratulations! Your attempt at preparation has resulted in double the work and half the efficiency!

Single and Surgery

Nurse 1:  Who is here with you?

Me: No one.

Nurse 1:  How did you get here?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  How are you getting home?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  You aren’t allowed to have surgery and leave with anyone but friend or family.

Me:  Um…

Nurse 1: Who told you that you could do this?

Me: The PA.

Nurse 1: You need to call a family member or a friend to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 1: You have no friends or family that you can call?

Me: Um… no.

Nurse 1:  I’ll be right back.

*forty-five minutes later*

Nurse 2:  You can’t have surgery unless you have someone to drive you home.

Me:  I was told I could take Lyft.

Nurse 2:  Well, you were told wrong.  You have to call someone to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 2: You have no one?

Me: That’s right.

Nurse 2:  How can you have no one? I’ll be right back.

Brain:  Wow.  I’m not having to do any work to send you into a spiral of self-loathing and anxiety.

*An hour later*

Nurse 3:  You have to have someone.  Call them.

Me:  *slouches* There is no one to call.

Nurse 3: *stomps out*

Brain:  This is great.  They are doing all the work for me.

Me:  *slouches further*

Brain:  Livin’ alone, I think of all the friends I’ve known, But when I dial the telephone, Nobody’s home… All byyyyyyy myself, Don’t want to be, all byyyyyy myself anymore…

*An hour and fifteen minutes later*

Surgeon:  We will give you a local block.

Me: Can’t you just hit me over the head with a hammer?


Prime Day Fallout 

Brain: See. That wasn’t so bad! You are adjusting to the Paper White. You turned off the ads for free. You deleted some of your TWENTY-SEVEN devices that had access to your Amazon account. (For the love of Hera, woman! Get a life!) All’s right with the world. 

Me: It doesn’t feel right. 

Brain: You can hold it in your dominant hand and page turn by tapping the screen. 

Me: I can’t back page one-handed.

Brain: You will adapt. See how far you have already come?

Me: I guess. 

Brain: What are you doing? This is a bad idea –

Me: Nooooooooo!!!!! Nooooooooo!!!! Nooooooo!!!!

Brain: You can overcome this!

Me: I can’t play Thread Words!!!!! It is my favorite game and it was only available on my Kindle!!!!! 

Brain: So you can’t play one game. What are you going to do? Sit in a corner, hold your knees, rock, and whimper? Wait… No! Get away from the corner! Edge towards the middle of the room!!! No, dammit!!! Don’t sit… Fine, don’t rock… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

All Good Things End Badly

Me: I will not cry. I will not cry.

Brain: It is a nice, new Paper-White Kindle. 

Me: I can’t believe my non-touchscreen, no-alphabet-keys, awesome Kindle with the side buttons that turned pages is dying. I don’t have to swipe to turn a page. I don’t have to do anything but apply light pressure where I am already holding the device. 

Brain: Let’s set up the new Kindle and then we can put on the hair shirt and find some ashes. Maybe do some keening and self-mutilation. 


Brain: Breathe. In two years, when you have paid off your #PrimeDay shopping spree, you may be able to pay Amazon to turn off the ads. 

Me: *sniff* *surreptitiously wipes eyes*

Brain: Are you CRYING?!?!

Me: There are no side buttons and I have to deal with ads. The Prime Day celebration is over. 

Brain: Let’s download some books and give the new Kindle a chance. 

Me: How can there be ads in the way of my reading?!?!

Brain: Download. Just download. 

Kindle: You have exceeded the number of devices on which you can have this book. 

Me: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Brain: I am NOT looking up the suicide prevention hotline number for this. I am NOT! 

Unsupervised on Prime Day 

Me: Woohoo! I just bought a 55″ TV!

Brain: There is nothing wrong with your current 40-ish inch TV. 

Me: It is a 4K Ultra-HD Smart LED TV!

Brain: You know what none of that means. Seriously. You have no clue what any of that means. You had to look at the webpage three times to successfully type that string of gibberish. 

Me: I saved so much money! It was the Prime Day special that all the websites said was THE deal to get. And I got it!

Brain: You spent a small fortune on something you don’t need and don’t understand. 

Me: But I got it before it sold out!

Brain: *sigh* Yay you. Wow. Congrats. It was so worth the money. And you saved so much by spending money you don’t have on something you don’t need. 

Me: I sense you aren’t entirely sincere…

Unleashed on an unexpecting city


Me: What?

Brain: Interrupting people’s runs. 

Me: I am  just sitting on the Riverwalk. I am not bothering the runners. My anxieties include social anxiety. The thought of my stopping a stranger is laughable. 

Brain: I see you looking. Stop that. 

Me: I am not bothering the runner. 

Brain: Do you see the leash?

Me: The one attached to the dog that looks like Falcor?

Brain: On the other end of the leash is a runner. 

Me: The ears! The black nose and eyes! It IS Falcor!

Brain: Stop it! Stop trying to entice the dog! 

Me: I got to pet Falcor!!!

Brain: If they hadn’t stopped, you would have tackled the dog, wouldn’t you?

Me: Reach the stars, Fly a fantasy-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee….

Brain: You need stronger meds. 

Me: If they don’t want to stop, they shouldn’t bring a dog. 

Brain: *head desk*

Me: …Rhymes that keep their secrets, Will unfold behind the clouds, And there upon a rainbow, Is the answer to a never ending story…

2017 Work Conference

Me: Conference starts after lunch. I need to go downstairs and learn the levels and various rooms. 

Brain: You just want to see the give-aways. 

Me: Please. I am a professional. OMG! Look at all this SWAG!!!

Brain: You do realize that these booths aren’t open yet. 

Me: They left this stuff out for us.

Brain: You are giddily stealing notepads, legal pads, post it notes, and pens. 

Me: Isn’t it AMAZING?!?!?! Wait. Where are the highlighters?!

Brain: And people wonder why you never married.

I am a terrible mother

Me:  *shrieks hysterically at Baby*
Me:   I am so sorry. Baby, Mommy shouldn’t have yelled at you.
Baby:  It’s okay, Mommy. I am sorry I yelled at you.
Me:  Thank you for being so sweet and forgiving Mommy.
Baby:  Tomorrow, I don’t yell at Mommy and Mommy doesn’t yell at Baby.
Me:  *the GUILT!!!*
Baby:  I love you, Mommy! Thank you for taking care of me.
Me:  I am dying.
Brain:  Drown in your guilt. DROWN!!!!