Writing

Everyone: You want to be a “real” writer and you haven’t read this book???

Me: No.

Everyone: You will never be a real writer without this book.

Me: Fine. I will read it.

Book: Schindler’s List and Die Hard are the same movie.

Me: I will never be a “real” writer…

Kids and Kittens

Munchkin: I want to lick Agatha.

Me: What?

Munchkin: I want to lick Agatha.

Me: Why?

Munchkin: Because, I want to!

Me: No.

Munckin: But, I want to lick my kitty cat!

Me: No! You may not lick Agatha.

Munchkin: I’m not going to be your daughter anymore!

Me: Okay, BUT DON’T LICK THE CAT!

Students in a Line

Boss: Look at the line of students from the bookstore, all the way across the green, and past the library.

Me: Holy cow! They are going to be in line for days… Wait. Why are they facing away from the bookstore?

New toy!

Me: OMG! It’s here! It’s here!

Coworker: It’s a shredder.

Me: Look at how small it is!

Coworker: It’s a shredder.

Me: Look! Look! You don’t feed it! You lift the top, lay your stack of papers here, close it, and walk away!

Coworker: It’s a shredder.

Me: Listen to how quiet it is!

Coworker: You don’t have a life, do you?

Me: Nope!

Taking Munchkin to See Reindeers

Me: Only in Your State suggests we drive an hour and a half and visit an 80 acre farm that has reindeer!

Brain: That sounds like a great idea!

Me: I know, right?!?!

Brain: Let’s do it!

****

Brain: Well, that went well.

Me: We had an adventure.

Brain: You drove three hours with a 3 year old for no reason. First, the police made you stop and watch as the ambulance and fire truck began removing a body from a rolled truck.

Me: That was during the thirty minutes Munchkin slept! She avoided the trauma.

Brain: Then the 80 acre farm turned out to be a trailer park.

Me: I had no way of knowing that.

Brain: There was no petting zoo with camels, monkeys, giraffes, and reindeer.

Me: There may have been some somewhere. I did see a camel wandering around behind one of the trailers.

Brain: And the drive through the magical lights placed around the farm? A drive through a trailer park.

Me: It might have been pretty when it was dark.

Brain: And the people who ran the place weren’t even home. I’m guessing it is good thing we didn’t see the alleged Santa Claus that was supposed to be there with the reindeer.

Me: At least we tried!

Brain: You know what the best part of the trip was?

Me: I am afraid to ask.

Brain: When you pulled into the wrong trailer, thinking it was the office. And that nice man thought that you were hospice and had come to care for his dying mother.

Me: I feel terrible about that.

Brain: Only you could manage to interrupt a dying woman’s family suffering by trying to go to a petting zoo with reindeer. Bravo! This is one for the books!

Shopping with Munchkin

Me: Munchkin, sit down in the cart.

Me: Sit down.

Me: Sit DOWN.

Munchkin: I want to get Santa Claus a present.

Every Person in Target: *stares daggers at me*

Holiday Cards

Me:  I ordered the cheapest set of holiday cards.  I can’t remember the last year I sent holiday cards.  I only have 25 of them.  I hope I have enough.

Brain:  You ordered the obnoxious “Look at My Child” photo card.

Me:  But my child is so cute!

Brain:  And do you really think you know 25 people who would want to get a card from you?

Me: Most people have hundreds of people on their holiday card list.

Brain:  Mmm-hmm.  How many addresses do you have on your list?

Me: I just jotted down 15 addresses.  That only leaves me 10 cards left.

Brain:  Don’t think I don’t see the pediatrician and day care on that list.

Me:  I want them to like us.

Brain:  So, what are you going to do with the last 10 cards?

Me: I should keep one, so technically it is only 9 cards.

Brain: Fine.  What are you going to do with the last 9 cards.

Me:  Ummmm….

Brain:  In case you ever start feeling good about yourself, please remember this moment.  You are so pathetic you can’t find 25 people to send holiday cards to.

Me:  It’s the most wonderful time of the year?

Brain: Not for you.  There is no wonderful time of the year for you.

 

If you can’t say anything nice…

Brain: Brilliant. Great job.

Me: I got the flipping piece of exercise equipment put together didn’t I?

Brain: The instructions say a single person can put it together in 15 minutes.

Me: They exaggerate those things!

Brain: And it took you how long…?

Me: I don’t want to talk about.

Brain: I wonder if that fingernail is going to turn black.

Me: Why can’t you ever think anything nice about me?

Brain: You can grow very long eyebrow hair.

Me: …

Brain: It is amazing, given how short and stubby your eye lashes are and how limp and flat your hair is. You grow long, silky eyebrow hair. Not bushy, just long.

Me: This is the best thing you can say to me?

Brain: I also like how the hairs manage to hold their shape. You sleep on the left side of your face and you wake up with those hairs sticking straight up. And nothing you can do will make them lie down again. They have tenacity.

Me: Maybe you shouldn’t try to compliment me.

Brain: Do you know what else I like?

Me: Please don’t —

Brain: You have uninteresting earlobes.

Migraines and Munchkin

Me: Munchkin, Mommy’s head hurts.

Munchkin: Again?

Brain: You should die! You are a terrible parent! That poor, disappointed child!

Me: Yes, Baby. Come get mommy when the timer goes off. Mommy has to lie down.

Munchkin: No!

Me: No?

Munchkin: I’m going to kiss your owie head and lie down with you.

Brain: You don’t deserve her!

Me: I know!!!