Single and Surgery

Nurse 1:  Who is here with you?

Me: No one.

Nurse 1:  How did you get here?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  How are you getting home?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  You aren’t allowed to have surgery and leave with anyone but friend or family.

Me:  Um…

Nurse 1: Who told you that you could do this?

Me: The PA.

Nurse 1: You need to call a family member or a friend to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 1: You have no friends or family that you can call?

Me: Um… no.

Nurse 1:  I’ll be right back.

*forty-five minutes later*

Nurse 2:  You can’t have surgery unless you have someone to drive you home.

Me:  I was told I could take Lyft.

Nurse 2:  Well, you were told wrong.  You have to call someone to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 2: You have no one?

Me: That’s right.

Nurse 2:  How can you have no one? I’ll be right back.

Brain:  Wow.  I’m not having to do any work to send you into a spiral of self-loathing and anxiety.

*An hour later*

Nurse 3:  You have to have someone.  Call them.

Me:  *slouches* There is no one to call.

Nurse 3: *stomps out*

Brain:  This is great.  They are doing all the work for me.

Me:  *slouches further*

Brain:  Livin’ alone, I think of all the friends I’ve known, But when I dial the telephone, Nobody’s home… All byyyyyyy myself, Don’t want to be, all byyyyyy myself anymore…

*An hour and fifteen minutes later*

Surgeon:  We will give you a local block.

Me: Can’t you just hit me over the head with a hammer?


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