The student in line behind me at Einstein’s just ordered lox on a chocolate chip bagel. Lox. On. A. Chocolate. Chip. Bagel. The world is doomed.
Me: DIE YOU JUDGMENTAL BASTARD! DIE!
Brain: See. That wasn’t so bad! You are adjusting to the Paper White. You turned off the ads for free. You deleted some of your TWENTY-SEVEN devices that had access to your Amazon account. (For the love of Hera, woman! Get a life!) All’s right with the world.
Me: It doesn’t feel right.
Brain: You can hold it in your dominant hand and page turn by tapping the screen.
Me: I can’t back page one-handed.
Brain: You will adapt. See how far you have already come?
Me: I guess.
Brain: What are you doing? This is a bad idea –
Me: Nooooooooo!!!!! Nooooooooo!!!! Nooooooo!!!!
Brain: You can overcome this!
Me: I can’t play Thread Words!!!!! It is my favorite game and it was only available on my Kindle!!!!!
Brain: So you can’t play one game. What are you going to do? Sit in a corner, hold your knees, rock, and whimper? Wait… No! Get away from the corner! Edge towards the middle of the room!!! No, dammit!!! Don’t sit… Fine, don’t rock… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
Me: I will not cry. I will not cry.
Brain: It is a nice, new Paper-White Kindle.
Me: I can’t believe my non-touchscreen, no-alphabet-keys, awesome Kindle with the side buttons that turned pages is dying. I don’t have to swipe to turn a page. I don’t have to do anything but apply light pressure where I am already holding the device.
Brain: Let’s set up the new Kindle and then we can put on the hair shirt and find some ashes. Maybe do some keening and self-mutilation.
Me: OMG!!! THERE ARE ADS ON THIS THING!!!!
Brain: Breathe. In two years, when you have paid off your #PrimeDay shopping spree, you may be able to pay Amazon to turn off the ads.
Me: *sniff* *surreptitiously wipes eyes*
Brain: Are you CRYING?!?!
Me: There are no side buttons and I have to deal with ads. The Prime Day celebration is over.
Brain: Let’s download some books and give the new Kindle a chance.
Me: How can there be ads in the way of my reading?!?!
Brain: Download. Just download.
Kindle: You have exceeded the number of devices on which you can have this book.
Brain: I am NOT looking up the suicide prevention hotline number for this. I am NOT!
Me: I just bought waterproof wireless headphones! You can wear them SURFING!!!
Friend: You surf?
Me: Never in my life. Why?
Me: Woohoo! I just bought a 55″ TV!
Brain: There is nothing wrong with your current 40-ish inch TV.
Me: It is a 4K Ultra-HD Smart LED TV!
Brain: You know what none of that means. Seriously. You have no clue what any of that means. You had to look at the webpage three times to successfully type that string of gibberish.
Me: I saved so much money! It was the Prime Day special that all the websites said was THE deal to get. And I got it!
Brain: You spent a small fortune on something you don’t need and don’t understand.
Me: But I got it before it sold out!
Brain: *sigh* Yay you. Wow. Congrats. It was so worth the money. And you saved so much by spending money you don’t have on something you don’t need.
Me: I sense you aren’t entirely sincere…
Office Manager: Today is going to be rough.
Me: It is a three day week. We’ve got this.
Office Manager: Campus Carry is officially in effect. There are multiple “emergency” requests to film on campus. The CDC needs a response on issue X. The EU visa changes and issues at US Department of State mean that we need an emergency amendment to an international agreement with an EU university. There are complications with a donation matter. And you have twenty-three contracts to review.
Me: It is 8:43 AM!
Office Manager: And we are just getting started.
Office Manager: Of course, dealing with this means you get to stay in your office and avoid human interaction.
I have no idea what I did to deserve the Special Hell, but a two hour drive with a three-year old turned into a five hour nightmare. Multiple wrecks, pouring rain, and standstill traffic. I am not a pedophile, nor do I talk in the theater. What did I do?????
Me: I need my drink refreshed.
Baby Bartender: So this event is for colleges?
*45 minutes of advising him on getting a mentor, interviewing those who are successful in his dream field, and his personal religious crisis*
Me: You’ve got this!
Baby Bartender: I had no idea I had so many options, resources, or strengths. Thank you!
Me: This is all you! Go for it. Take advantage of living in Chicago.
Baby Bartender: Seriously, I never realized.
Me: Thank you for the cruise!
Coworker and professional colleagues: So, tell us about the Bartender…
Me: He is a communications grad who wants to advance his career. I suggested he contact the following people before pursuing a graduate degree he may not need. If he wants to pursue –
Unknown Colleague to Coworker: You weren’t kidding
Coworker: Bleeding heart.
Unknown Colleague: She really wasn’t hooking up with him.
Coworker: Told you.
Me: Wait. What…?