Things I learned by 6:00am

Traveling with a toddler is an interesting experience. I learned a lot before boarding the plane at 6:00am. 

1.  YOU NEED A VISA TO TRAVEL TO CANADA!!!! 

2.  Everyone in line behind us at the ticket counter is going to wait, because Munchkin is going to climb across the luggage scale and demand a hug from each of the five people working the counter. This will prompt them to stop working and congregate around Munchkin with adoration. 

3. No matter how many times You explain that luggage has to go in the airplane’s trunk, when they take the luggage away, trauma will ensue. Catching Munchkin when she lunges across the luggage scales and tries to rescue the luggage as it disappears on the conveyor belt takes three adults. 

4. When a three-year old wants to see the plane out the window, the grown man sleeping in front of the window makes a useful step stool. 

Priorities

Me: Apparently, my phone has been streaming Netflix all morning!

Boss: What has your phone been entertaining itself with?

Me: Deep Space Nine! I have to figure out where I was in the series!

Boss: Why are you watching Deep Space Nine?

Me: Um… Because it is the best of the franchise. 

Boss: Please. I am an Original Series guy. Deep Space Nine isn’t any good. 

Me: I’m sorry. I can’t work here anymore. 

Failing at Preparing

Me: Look at how beautiful that is! All those neat packing cubes for me and Munchkin. All I have to do is put them in suitcases!

Brain: Did you pack underwear yet?

Me: I don’t think so.

Brain: Socks?

Me: Probably not.

Brain: Where are the cold weather clothes versus the hot weather clothes?

Me: Um…

Brain: Did you remember to pack pants?

Me: Surely there is a pair of pants in there somewhere. Right?

Brain: Where is what Munchkin is supposed to wear on the plane?

Me: …

Brain: Is there a hairbrush? Where are your contact lens supplies?

Me: I have to open all these cubes, sort, review, and repack, don’t I?

Brain: Yep. Congratulations! Your attempt at preparation has resulted in double the work and half the efficiency!

Idiot

Brain: You are a complete idiot.

Me:  I booked the hotel for the 23rd, not the 5th. 

Brain: Ha!

Me: Normally, I would assume it was my error, but I had to use the drop down calendar thingy. I know I did it right. 

Brain: But you didn’t read your confirmation carefully and have no proof. 

Me: I know!

Brain: You are a complete failure. You do realize that for what you will be spending for two hotels, you could have stayed at the swanky places in the heart of Vancouver. 

Me:  I hate this. 

Brain: And don’t think I didn’t see you use Tweetdeck for #PitMad tomorrow: three books, twelve entries, tens of thousands of people judging you.  I can’t even calculate the number of failures that will be. 

Me: At least, I gave it a shot. 

Brain: Shots are good. See if you can find some Everclear. Shots of Everclear or maybe lighter fluid. 

Daycare

Me: I love daycare. I miss daycare. Daycare is my favorite. 

Brain: Work is closed at least through tomorrow. You haven’t made it even halfway through this. 

Me: I love daycare. 

Brain: You are supposed to be agonizing over the fact that you aren’t a stay-at-home mom. Where is the gender-specific self-flagellation?

Me: Nope. Nuh-uh. I love my job. I love daycare. 

Brain: I’m not sure how to handle this lack of self-loathing… Did the internet just flicker?

Me:  NOBODY PANIC!!!! Wait. That’s not right. EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

Irma and Atlanta

Me:  Those grocery shoppers were rank amateurs.

Brain:  For once, we agree.  They had completely cleared out the bottled water.  Irma won’t even be here for four days.

Me:  I notice everything we know to buy was well-stocked.

Brain:  Yep.  We have plenty of heavily processed foods, soup, sodas, juice, carbonated water, crackers, chips, a few too many bottles of wine, and ample toilet paper.

Me:  I will get gas and adult beverages tomorrow.

Brain:  You are actually pretty good at this.

Me:  Thank you.

Brain:  You are highly skilled at preparing to sit on your ass for several days in junk-food heaven.

Me: Everyone has a talent.

Ambidextrosity

Me: I hate not being able to use my right hand.

Coworker 1: I’m pretty ambidextrous. I can bat almost as well left-handed as I can right-handed.

Coworker 2: I shoot equally as well with each hand.

Coworker 3: I can write with both hands.

Me: I bruised my jaw and the inside of my cheek trying to brush my teeth.

Them: …

Me: But there was no blood!

Single and Surgery

Nurse 1:  Who is here with you?

Me: No one.

Nurse 1:  How did you get here?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  How are you getting home?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  You aren’t allowed to have surgery and leave with anyone but friend or family.

Me:  Um…

Nurse 1: Who told you that you could do this?

Me: The PA.

Nurse 1: You need to call a family member or a friend to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 1: You have no friends or family that you can call?

Me: Um… no.

Nurse 1:  I’ll be right back.

*forty-five minutes later*

Nurse 2:  You can’t have surgery unless you have someone to drive you home.

Me:  I was told I could take Lyft.

Nurse 2:  Well, you were told wrong.  You have to call someone to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 2: You have no one?

Me: That’s right.

Nurse 2:  How can you have no one? I’ll be right back.

Brain:  Wow.  I’m not having to do any work to send you into a spiral of self-loathing and anxiety.

*An hour later*

Nurse 3:  You have to have someone.  Call them.

Me:  *slouches* There is no one to call.

Nurse 3: *stomps out*

Brain:  This is great.  They are doing all the work for me.

Me:  *slouches further*

Brain:  Livin’ alone, I think of all the friends I’ve known, But when I dial the telephone, Nobody’s home… All byyyyyyy myself, Don’t want to be, all byyyyyy myself anymore…

*An hour and fifteen minutes later*

Surgeon:  We will give you a local block.

Me: Can’t you just hit me over the head with a hammer?

 

Awkwardness at Work

Brain: This is a bad idea.

Me: I am in agony. I have to do this.

Brain: Please don’t.

Me: *lies down on office floor with tennis ball under back and rocks on tennis ball*

Voice: Are you okay?

Me: *rolls backward, slams head on floor, curses virulently*

Voice: That looked painful.

Me: *looks up to see boss’s boss* Um…

Brain: Quick! Say something clever!

Me: It’s a muscle thing.

Boss’s Boss: *takes cautious step back*

Me: *struggles to sit up*

Boss’s Boss: I’ll come back. *flees*

Brain: The sad thing is that you loved working here.