Ambidextrosity

Me: I hate not being able to use my right hand.

Coworker 1: I’m pretty ambidextrous. I can bat almost as well left-handed as I can right-handed.

Coworker 2: I shoot equally as well with each hand.

Coworker 3: I can write with both hands.

Me: I bruised my jaw and the inside of my cheek trying to brush my teeth.

Them: …

Me: But there was no blood!

Single and Surgery

Nurse 1:  Who is here with you?

Me: No one.

Nurse 1:  How did you get here?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  How are you getting home?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  You aren’t allowed to have surgery and leave with anyone but friend or family.

Me:  Um…

Nurse 1: Who told you that you could do this?

Me: The PA.

Nurse 1: You need to call a family member or a friend to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 1: You have no friends or family that you can call?

Me: Um… no.

Nurse 1:  I’ll be right back.

*forty-five minutes later*

Nurse 2:  You can’t have surgery unless you have someone to drive you home.

Me:  I was told I could take Lyft.

Nurse 2:  Well, you were told wrong.  You have to call someone to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 2: You have no one?

Me: That’s right.

Nurse 2:  How can you have no one? I’ll be right back.

Brain:  Wow.  I’m not having to do any work to send you into a spiral of self-loathing and anxiety.

*An hour later*

Nurse 3:  You have to have someone.  Call them.

Me:  *slouches* There is no one to call.

Nurse 3: *stomps out*

Brain:  This is great.  They are doing all the work for me.

Me:  *slouches further*

Brain:  Livin’ alone, I think of all the friends I’ve known, But when I dial the telephone, Nobody’s home… All byyyyyyy myself, Don’t want to be, all byyyyyy myself anymore…

*An hour and fifteen minutes later*

Surgeon:  We will give you a local block.

Me: Can’t you just hit me over the head with a hammer?

 

Awkwardness at Work

Brain: This is a bad idea.

Me: I am in agony. I have to do this.

Brain: Please don’t.

Me: *lies down on office floor with tennis ball under back and rocks on tennis ball*

Voice: Are you okay?

Me: *rolls backward, slams head on floor, curses virulently*

Voice: That looked painful.

Me: *looks up to see boss’s boss* Um…

Brain: Quick! Say something clever!

Me: It’s a muscle thing.

Boss’s Boss: *takes cautious step back*

Me: *struggles to sit up*

Boss’s Boss: I’ll come back. *flees*

Brain: The sad thing is that you loved working here.

Meet and Greet

Me:  I signed up to attend the meet and greet on the cruise! This is going to be fantastic!

Brain: What is going to be fantastic? Standing around awkwardly? Hiding in the corner, embarrassed that you are not part of a conversation, while actively avoiding social interaction? Feeling that anxiety knot in your stomach?

Me: Please. This is going to be different. It’s at a place called The Crow’s Nest. The directions are Deck 10 – Forward. That means – 

Brain: Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.

Me: I am attending a party at Ten Forward! TEN FORWARD!

Brain: You are expecting people to be cosplaying Star Trek: TNG aren’t you?

Me: Ten Forward! It is like a dream come true. 

Brain: Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Whoopie Goldberg will not be mixing drinks and doling out sage advice. 

Me: I wish it were after dark so we could watch the stars streak by us. 

Brain: No one else is going to get the reference – 

Me: I hope I can order a Samaritan Sunset. 

Brain:  I hope no one throws you overboard. 

A Wedding

Me: How is the wedding planning coming?

Him: We moved it again.

Me: Closer or further out?

Him: Closer.

Me: When?

Him: Christmas Eve’s Eve.

Me: OMG! OMG! You are having a Festivus Wedding! Are you having a Festivus Pole?  The Airing of the Grievances?

Him: …

Me: Um… I mean, congratulations!

Alone at Work

I work in a large, open building at a college. I was the only person on my floor and one of a handful of people left in the building, because I had to work instead of attending graduation with my colleagues. (Lucky me!) I was deeply focused on a document when I heard a deep male voice boom, “Good morning!” I screamed bloody murder. He screamed bloody murder. We screamed bloody murder together. Fun times.

I Need a Grown-Up

Me: Oh hell. Oh hell. Oh hell. 

Brain: You need to disable the Wifi before pouring a glass of wine. 

Me: I can’t believe you let me do that!

Brain: Me! You inhibited me with two glasses of Cabernet Franc. 

Me: How could I book a non-refundable two week cruise?!?!

Brain: Easy. You are an idiot who should not be left unsupervised. 

Me: I have to book airfare. 

Brain: Yes. 

Me: And hope I get off work. 

Brain: Yes. 

Me: Why aren’t you yelling at me?

Brain: Because I get to watch you take a nine-hour flight with a three-year old. That will be comedy gold for me. 

Me: Oh hell. Oh hell. Oh hell. 

The Weather Gods Hate Me

Me: Munchkin, if you go to bed now, Mommy will take you to the pool in the morning. 

Munchkin: Yay!!

*Sun rises on a clear day in July in the Deep South*

Weather App: It is 72 degrees at 10:00am. The high today will be 83 degrees. 

Me: Fuck. 

Munchkin: Let’s go to the pool! Pool! Pool! Pool!

Brain: There is an unopened bottle of Fireball in the pantry. You may need it. 

The Daycare only Has One Bathroom for Adults

Me: *pulls on bathroom door* 

Woman with Daughter Standing on Other Side of Room: There is someone in there. 

Me: Are you in line?

Brain: Please say no. Please say no. Please say no. 

Woman: Yes. 

Brain: Goddamnit!!!!

Me: Oops. Didn’t mean to cut in line. 

Woman: It’s okay.  *adjusts daughter’s ponytail*

Her Daughter: Ow! Mommy, stop pulling on my hair!

Me: Your hair is lovely. 

Brain: Finally! The bathroom hogger is out!  We only have to wait a few more minutes. Just don’t humiliate me by doing the pee-pee dance. 

Woman: *steps onto bathroom threshold* Honey, what do you say?

Daughter: *glares*

Woman: We are working on manners.  Honey, the nice lady paid you a compliment. What do you say?

Brain: You don’t say anything!  Lady, shut the fuck up and use the frakking toilet!!!

Me: I know what that’s like. 

Brain: Stop seeming so normal. Be yourself and she will RUN into the bathroom. 

Woman: Honey, what do you say to the nice lady?

Daughter: *crosses arms*

Me: Don’t worry about it.

Brain: There is an Wonder Woman action figure holding a sword on the shelf. You can stab her in the jugular, step over her, and be on the toilet before she bleeds out.

Woman: It is so important that they learn manners early. 

Me: *nods and tries to keep eyes from crossing*

Brain: We don’t have time for Wonder Woman. Grab that kiddie stool and whack her over the head. More effort, but less blood. 

Daughter: Thank you. 

Brain: Thank the Maker!

Woman: *closes the bathroom door*

Daughter: What are you doing?

Me: The pee-pee dance. 

I Weep

I just read Netflix is going to make Margaret Atwood’s novel, Alias Grace, into a series. The first comment following the article was “I wonder if Jennifer Gardner will make a cameo. I loved her in the original Alias.” I have to go cry now.