If you can’t say anything nice…

Brain: Brilliant. Great job.

Me: I got the flipping piece of exercise equipment put together didn’t I?

Brain: The instructions say a single person can put it together in 15 minutes.

Me: They exaggerate those things!

Brain: And it took you how long…?

Me: I don’t want to talk about.

Brain: I wonder if that fingernail is going to turn black.

Me: Why can’t you ever think anything nice about me?

Brain: You can grow very long eyebrow hair.

Me: …

Brain: It is amazing, given how short and stubby your eye lashes are and how limp and flat your hair is. You grow long, silky eyebrow hair. Not bushy, just long.

Me: This is the best thing you can say to me?

Brain: I also like how the hairs manage to hold their shape. You sleep on the left side of your face and you wake up with those hairs sticking straight up. And nothing you can do will make them lie down again. They have tenacity.

Me: Maybe you shouldn’t try to compliment me.

Brain: Do you know what else I like?

Me: Please don’t —

Brain: You have uninteresting earlobes.

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