Ambidextrosity

Me: I hate not being able to use my right hand.

Coworker 1: I’m pretty ambidextrous. I can bat almost as well left-handed as I can right-handed.

Coworker 2: I shoot equally as well with each hand.

Coworker 3: I can write with both hands.

Me: I bruised my jaw and the inside of my cheek trying to brush my teeth.

Them: …

Me: But there was no blood!

Single and Surgery

Nurse 1:  Who is here with you?

Me: No one.

Nurse 1:  How did you get here?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  How are you getting home?

Me: Lyft.

Nurse 1:  You aren’t allowed to have surgery and leave with anyone but friend or family.

Me:  Um…

Nurse 1: Who told you that you could do this?

Me: The PA.

Nurse 1: You need to call a family member or a friend to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 1: You have no friends or family that you can call?

Me: Um… no.

Nurse 1:  I’ll be right back.

*forty-five minutes later*

Nurse 2:  You can’t have surgery unless you have someone to drive you home.

Me:  I was told I could take Lyft.

Nurse 2:  Well, you were told wrong.  You have to call someone to come down here.

Me:  I don’t have anyone in the area.

Nurse 2: You have no one?

Me: That’s right.

Nurse 2:  How can you have no one? I’ll be right back.

Brain:  Wow.  I’m not having to do any work to send you into a spiral of self-loathing and anxiety.

*An hour later*

Nurse 3:  You have to have someone.  Call them.

Me:  *slouches* There is no one to call.

Nurse 3: *stomps out*

Brain:  This is great.  They are doing all the work for me.

Me:  *slouches further*

Brain:  Livin’ alone, I think of all the friends I’ve known, But when I dial the telephone, Nobody’s home… All byyyyyyy myself, Don’t want to be, all byyyyyy myself anymore…

*An hour and fifteen minutes later*

Surgeon:  We will give you a local block.

Me: Can’t you just hit me over the head with a hammer?

 

I should never be left alone to mingle at professional/social events

Me: I need my drink refreshed. 

Colleagues:  Okay. 

Baby Bartender: So this event is for colleges?

*45 minutes of advising him on getting a mentor, interviewing those who are successful in his dream field, and his personal religious crisis*

Me: You’ve got this!

Baby Bartender: I had no idea I had so many options, resources, or strengths. Thank you!

Me: This is all you! Go for it. Take advantage of living in Chicago.

Baby Bartender: Seriously, I never realized. 

Me: Thank you for the cruise!

Coworker and professional colleagues: So, tell us about the Bartender…

Me: He is a communications grad who wants to advance his career. I suggested he contact the following people before pursuing a graduate degree he may not need. If he wants to pursue – 

Unknown Colleague to Coworker: You weren’t kidding

Coworker: Bleeding heart. 

Unknown Colleague: She really wasn’t hooking up with him. 

Coworker: Told you. 

Me: Wait. What…?

Traveling while female

I was walking towards the shuttle office, when I heard what all women despise: the condescending, sexist objectification that falls just short of cat-calling. I kid you not, this man said, “Well there you are gorgeous! I’ve been looking for you all morning.”

I looked around and verified that I was the only other person in the dark parking lot at 5:37 in the morning. I chose to ignore him and continued toward the office with my rolling bag clacking along.

He kept at it. “I am so lucky to have such a pretty girl here this morning.”

Did he really just call me a GIRL?!?!

“Seeing my pretty girl here makes me happy.”

Okay. This was finally too much. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, tried to ignore my anxiety, turned to confront the man, and almost dragged my suitcase across the tail of an obese cat, who was apparently the focus of his objectification.

(I have decided that this is acceptable cat-calling)