I should never be left alone to mingle at professional/social events

Me: I need my drink refreshed. 

Colleagues:  Okay. 

Baby Bartender: So this event is for colleges?

*45 minutes of advising him on getting a mentor, interviewing those who are successful in his dream field, and his personal religious crisis*

Me: You’ve got this!

Baby Bartender: I had no idea I had so many options, resources, or strengths. Thank you!

Me: This is all you! Go for it. Take advantage of living in Chicago.

Baby Bartender: Seriously, I never realized. 

Me: Thank you for the cruise!

Coworker and professional colleagues: So, tell us about the Bartender…

Me: He is a communications grad who wants to advance his career. I suggested he contact the following people before pursuing a graduate degree he may not need. If he wants to pursue – 

Unknown Colleague to Coworker: You weren’t kidding

Coworker: Bleeding heart. 

Unknown Colleague: She really wasn’t hooking up with him. 

Coworker: Told you. 

Me: Wait. What…?

2017 Work Conference

Me: Conference starts after lunch. I need to go downstairs and learn the levels and various rooms. 

Brain: You just want to see the give-aways. 

Me: Please. I am a professional. OMG! Look at all this SWAG!!!

Brain: You do realize that these booths aren’t open yet. 

Me: They left this stuff out for us.

Brain: You are giddily stealing notepads, legal pads, post it notes, and pens. 

Me: Isn’t it AMAZING?!?!?! Wait. Where are the highlighters?!

Brain: And people wonder why you never married.