A Wedding

Me: How is the wedding planning coming?

Him: We moved it again.

Me: Closer or further out?

Him: Closer.

Me: When?

Him: Christmas Eve’s Eve.

Me: OMG! OMG! You are having a Festivus Wedding! Are you having a Festivus Pole?  The Airing of the Grievances?

Him: …

Me: Um… I mean, congratulations!

Alone at Work

I work in a large, open building at a college. I was the only person on my floor and one of a handful of people left in the building, because I had to work instead of attending graduation with my colleagues. (Lucky me!) I was deeply focused on a document when I heard a deep male voice boom, “Good morning!” I screamed bloody murder. He screamed bloody murder. We screamed bloody murder together. Fun times.

I Need a Grown-Up

Me: Oh hell. Oh hell. Oh hell. 

Brain: You need to disable the Wifi before pouring a glass of wine. 

Me: I can’t believe you let me do that!

Brain: Me! You inhibited me with two glasses of Cabernet Franc. 

Me: How could I book a non-refundable two week cruise?!?!

Brain: Easy. You are an idiot who should not be left unsupervised. 

Me: I have to book airfare. 

Brain: Yes. 

Me: And hope I get off work. 

Brain: Yes. 

Me: Why aren’t you yelling at me?

Brain: Because I get to watch you take a nine-hour flight with a three-year old. That will be comedy gold for me. 

Me: Oh hell. Oh hell. Oh hell. 

The Weather Gods Hate Me

Me: Munchkin, if you go to bed now, Mommy will take you to the pool in the morning. 

Munchkin: Yay!!

*Sun rises on a clear day in July in the Deep South*

Weather App: It is 72 degrees at 10:00am. The high today will be 83 degrees. 

Me: Fuck. 

Munchkin: Let’s go to the pool! Pool! Pool! Pool!

Brain: There is an unopened bottle of Fireball in the pantry. You may need it. 

The Daycare only Has One Bathroom for Adults

Me: *pulls on bathroom door* 

Woman with Daughter Standing on Other Side of Room: There is someone in there. 

Me: Are you in line?

Brain: Please say no. Please say no. Please say no. 

Woman: Yes. 

Brain: Goddamnit!!!!

Me: Oops. Didn’t mean to cut in line. 

Woman: It’s okay.  *adjusts daughter’s ponytail*

Her Daughter: Ow! Mommy, stop pulling on my hair!

Me: Your hair is lovely. 

Brain: Finally! The bathroom hogger is out!  We only have to wait a few more minutes. Just don’t humiliate me by doing the pee-pee dance. 

Woman: *steps onto bathroom threshold* Honey, what do you say?

Daughter: *glares*

Woman: We are working on manners.  Honey, the nice lady paid you a compliment. What do you say?

Brain: You don’t say anything!  Lady, shut the fuck up and use the frakking toilet!!!

Me: I know what that’s like. 

Brain: Stop seeming so normal. Be yourself and she will RUN into the bathroom. 

Woman: Honey, what do you say to the nice lady?

Daughter: *crosses arms*

Me: Don’t worry about it.

Brain: There is an Wonder Woman action figure holding a sword on the shelf. You can stab her in the jugular, step over her, and be on the toilet before she bleeds out.

Woman: It is so important that they learn manners early. 

Me: *nods and tries to keep eyes from crossing*

Brain: We don’t have time for Wonder Woman. Grab that kiddie stool and whack her over the head. More effort, but less blood. 

Daughter: Thank you. 

Brain: Thank the Maker!

Woman: *closes the bathroom door*

Daughter: What are you doing?

Me: The pee-pee dance. 

Prime Day Fallout 

Brain: See. That wasn’t so bad! You are adjusting to the Paper White. You turned off the ads for free. You deleted some of your TWENTY-SEVEN devices that had access to your Amazon account. (For the love of Hera, woman! Get a life!) All’s right with the world. 

Me: It doesn’t feel right. 

Brain: You can hold it in your dominant hand and page turn by tapping the screen. 

Me: I can’t back page one-handed.

Brain: You will adapt. See how far you have already come?

Me: I guess. 

Brain: What are you doing? This is a bad idea –

Me: Nooooooooo!!!!! Nooooooooo!!!! Nooooooo!!!!

Brain: You can overcome this!

Me: I can’t play Thread Words!!!!! It is my favorite game and it was only available on my Kindle!!!!! 

Brain: So you can’t play one game. What are you going to do? Sit in a corner, hold your knees, rock, and whimper? Wait… No! Get away from the corner! Edge towards the middle of the room!!! No, dammit!!! Don’t sit… Fine, don’t rock… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

Unsupervised on Prime Day 

Me: Woohoo! I just bought a 55″ TV!

Brain: There is nothing wrong with your current 40-ish inch TV. 

Me: It is a 4K Ultra-HD Smart LED TV!

Brain: You know what none of that means. Seriously. You have no clue what any of that means. You had to look at the webpage three times to successfully type that string of gibberish. 

Me: I saved so much money! It was the Prime Day special that all the websites said was THE deal to get. And I got it!

Brain: You spent a small fortune on something you don’t need and don’t understand. 

Me: But I got it before it sold out!

Brain: *sigh* Yay you. Wow. Congrats. It was so worth the money. And you saved so much by spending money you don’t have on something you don’t need. 

Me: I sense you aren’t entirely sincere…

I should never be left alone to mingle at professional/social events

Me: I need my drink refreshed. 

Colleagues:  Okay. 

Baby Bartender: So this event is for colleges?

*45 minutes of advising him on getting a mentor, interviewing those who are successful in his dream field, and his personal religious crisis*

Me: You’ve got this!

Baby Bartender: I had no idea I had so many options, resources, or strengths. Thank you!

Me: This is all you! Go for it. Take advantage of living in Chicago.

Baby Bartender: Seriously, I never realized. 

Me: Thank you for the cruise!

Coworker and professional colleagues: So, tell us about the Bartender…

Me: He is a communications grad who wants to advance his career. I suggested he contact the following people before pursuing a graduate degree he may not need. If he wants to pursue – 

Unknown Colleague to Coworker: You weren’t kidding

Coworker: Bleeding heart. 

Unknown Colleague: She really wasn’t hooking up with him. 

Coworker: Told you. 

Me: Wait. What…?