Me: Apparently, my phone has been streaming Netflix all morning!

Boss: What has your phone been entertaining itself with?

Me: Deep Space Nine! I have to figure out where I was in the series!

Boss: Why are you watching Deep Space Nine?

Me: Um… Because it is the best of the franchise. 

Boss: Please. I am an Original Series guy. Deep Space Nine isn’t any good. 

Me: I’m sorry. I can’t work here anymore. 

Failing at Preparing

Me: Look at how beautiful that is! All those neat packing cubes for me and Munchkin. All I have to do is put them in suitcases!

Brain: Did you pack underwear yet?

Me: I don’t think so.

Brain: Socks?

Me: Probably not.

Brain: Where are the cold weather clothes versus the hot weather clothes?

Me: Um…

Brain: Did you remember to pack pants?

Me: Surely there is a pair of pants in there somewhere. Right?

Brain: Where is what Munchkin is supposed to wear on the plane?

Me: …

Brain: Is there a hairbrush? Where are your contact lens supplies?

Me: I have to open all these cubes, sort, review, and repack, don’t I?

Brain: Yep. Congratulations! Your attempt at preparation has resulted in double the work and half the efficiency!


Brain: You are a complete idiot.

Me:  I booked the hotel for the 23rd, not the 5th. 

Brain: Ha!

Me: Normally, I would assume it was my error, but I had to use the drop down calendar thingy. I know I did it right. 

Brain: But you didn’t read your confirmation carefully and have no proof. 

Me: I know!

Brain: You are a complete failure. You do realize that for what you will be spending for two hotels, you could have stayed at the swanky places in the heart of Vancouver. 

Me:  I hate this. 

Brain: And don’t think I didn’t see you use Tweetdeck for #PitMad tomorrow: three books, twelve entries, tens of thousands of people judging you.  I can’t even calculate the number of failures that will be. 

Me: At least, I gave it a shot. 

Brain: Shots are good. See if you can find some Everclear. Shots of Everclear or maybe lighter fluid. 


Me: I love daycare. I miss daycare. Daycare is my favorite. 

Brain: Work is closed at least through tomorrow. You haven’t made it even halfway through this. 

Me: I love daycare. 

Brain: You are supposed to be agonizing over the fact that you aren’t a stay-at-home mom. Where is the gender-specific self-flagellation?

Me: Nope. Nuh-uh. I love my job. I love daycare. 

Brain: I’m not sure how to handle this lack of self-loathing… Did the internet just flicker?

Me:  NOBODY PANIC!!!! Wait. That’s not right. EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

Irma and Atlanta

Me:  Those grocery shoppers were rank amateurs.

Brain:  For once, we agree.  They had completely cleared out the bottled water.  Irma won’t even be here for four days.

Me:  I notice everything we know to buy was well-stocked.

Brain:  Yep.  We have plenty of heavily processed foods, soup, sodas, juice, carbonated water, crackers, chips, a few too many bottles of wine, and ample toilet paper.

Me:  I will get gas and adult beverages tomorrow.

Brain:  You are actually pretty good at this.

Me:  Thank you.

Brain:  You are highly skilled at preparing to sit on your ass for several days in junk-food heaven.

Me: Everyone has a talent.

Awkwardness at Work

Brain: This is a bad idea.

Me: I am in agony. I have to do this.

Brain: Please don’t.

Me: *lies down on office floor with tennis ball under back and rocks on tennis ball*

Voice: Are you okay?

Me: *rolls backward, slams head on floor, curses virulently*

Voice: That looked painful.

Me: *looks up to see boss’s boss* Um…

Brain: Quick! Say something clever!

Me: It’s a muscle thing.

Boss’s Boss: *takes cautious step back*

Me: *struggles to sit up*

Boss’s Boss: I’ll come back. *flees*

Brain: The sad thing is that you loved working here.

Meet and Greet

Me:  I signed up to attend the meet and greet on the cruise! This is going to be fantastic!

Brain: What is going to be fantastic? Standing around awkwardly? Hiding in the corner, embarrassed that you are not part of a conversation, while actively avoiding social interaction? Feeling that anxiety knot in your stomach?

Me: Please. This is going to be different. It’s at a place called The Crow’s Nest. The directions are Deck 10 – Forward. That means – 

Brain: Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.

Me: I am attending a party at Ten Forward! TEN FORWARD!

Brain: You are expecting people to be cosplaying Star Trek: TNG aren’t you?

Me: Ten Forward! It is like a dream come true. 

Brain: Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Whoopie Goldberg will not be mixing drinks and doling out sage advice. 

Me: I wish it were after dark so we could watch the stars streak by us. 

Brain: No one else is going to get the reference – 

Me: I hope I can order a Samaritan Sunset. 

Brain:  I hope no one throws you overboard. 

A Wedding

Me: How is the wedding planning coming?

Him: We moved it again.

Me: Closer or further out?

Him: Closer.

Me: When?

Him: Christmas Eve’s Eve.

Me: OMG! OMG! You are having a Festivus Wedding! Are you having a Festivus Pole?  The Airing of the Grievances?

Him: …

Me: Um… I mean, congratulations!

Alone at Work

I work in a large, open building at a college. I was the only person on my floor and one of a handful of people left in the building, because I had to work instead of attending graduation with my colleagues. (Lucky me!) I was deeply focused on a document when I heard a deep male voice boom, “Good morning!” I screamed bloody murder. He screamed bloody murder. We screamed bloody murder together. Fun times.