Deep Questions

Boss: What’s the kind of hamburger you eat on a bun?

Me: …

Boss:You know what I’m talking about.

Me: …

Boss: Sloppy Joes!!!

Me: …

Realities of Special Needs

Munchkin: Is that where I scratched you?

Me: Yes, Baby.

Munchkin: Is that where I bruised you?

Me: It’s okay, Baby.

Munchkin: But bruises and scratches hurt. *bursts into tears* I don’t want you to hurt. I’m so sorry, Mommy!

Me: It’s okay, Baby. I love you.

Munchkin: *sobs uncontrollably* I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m sorry!

And this is why unsolicited advice such as “just pop her” and “don’t let her control you” is so damaging. Munchkin can’t help herself in her flares. It would be like trying to smack diabetes out of a child.

Saturday Night!

Single People with Social Lives: 7:30 pm. I suppose we could start considering what are plans are for tonight…

Married People: It’s 7:30 pm. Time to start debating omg what we are going to watch tonight…

Me: HOLY HELL! Munchkin is in bed!!!! I am getting some sleep, STAT!

Munchkin: *screams at the top of her lungs*

Me: Dammit.

Grown Ups

The daycare sent home a piece of construction paper with “when I grow up, I want to be…” written on it.

Brain: She is too young for this. You don’t even know what you want to be.

Me: What the hell. Munchkin, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Munchkin: *screws up face in thought* I want to be a vegetable.

Me: A vegetable?

Munchkin: Yes. And a mirror!

Me: Okay. Good talk.

Brain: At least she has dreams…

Private Parts

Munchkin, who recently turned four, has a weekly OT appointment. I sit in the waiting room. This week I was summoned back to speak with the OT.

OT: I don’t know how to tell you this.

Me:…

OT: Munchkin needed to use the bathroom, so I took her.

Me: Okay…

OT: She went into the bathroom, closed the door, and pulled her pants and panties down.

Me: Okay…

OT (flushes beet red): Instead of using the potty, she opened the door, exposed herself to everyone in the hallway, and yelled, “Look at my vulva!”

Brain: Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!

Me: I see.

OT: I can’t believe she knew that word. Have you discussed keeping private parts private?

Brain: Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!

Me: Yes. She knows private parts are private. We focus on where things are appropriate, such as her bedroom or bathroom. It is important to me that she isn’t ashamed.

OT: I agree! I know she is young, but I wanted you to know. Maybe you could address the appropriate locations with her again.

Me: Technically, she was in the bathroom.

OT: …

Writing

Everyone: You want to be a “real” writer and you haven’t read this book???

Me: No.

Everyone: You will never be a real writer without this book.

Me: Fine. I will read it.

Book: Schindler’s List and Die Hard are the same movie.

Me: I will never be a “real” writer…

Kids and Kittens

Munchkin: I want to lick Agatha.

Me: What?

Munchkin: I want to lick Agatha.

Me: Why?

Munchkin: Because, I want to!

Me: No.

Munckin: But, I want to lick my kitty cat!

Me: No! You may not lick Agatha.

Munchkin: I’m not going to be your daughter anymore!

Me: Okay, BUT DON’T LICK THE CAT!

Students in a Line

Boss: Look at the line of students from the bookstore, all the way across the green, and past the library.

Me: Holy cow! They are going to be in line for days… Wait. Why are they facing away from the bookstore?

New toy!

Me: OMG! It’s here! It’s here!

Coworker: It’s a shredder.

Me: Look at how small it is!

Coworker: It’s a shredder.

Me: Look! Look! You don’t feed it! You lift the top, lay your stack of papers here, close it, and walk away!

Coworker: It’s a shredder.

Me: Listen to how quiet it is!

Coworker: You don’t have a life, do you?

Me: Nope!

Taking Munchkin to See Reindeers

Me: Only in Your State suggests we drive an hour and a half and visit an 80 acre farm that has reindeer!

Brain: That sounds like a great idea!

Me: I know, right?!?!

Brain: Let’s do it!

****

Brain: Well, that went well.

Me: We had an adventure.

Brain: You drove three hours with a 3 year old for no reason. First, the police made you stop and watch as the ambulance and fire truck began removing a body from a rolled truck.

Me: That was during the thirty minutes Munchkin slept! She avoided the trauma.

Brain: Then the 80 acre farm turned out to be a trailer park.

Me: I had no way of knowing that.

Brain: There was no petting zoo with camels, monkeys, giraffes, and reindeer.

Me: There may have been some somewhere. I did see a camel wandering around behind one of the trailers.

Brain: And the drive through the magical lights placed around the farm? A drive through a trailer park.

Me: It might have been pretty when it was dark.

Brain: And the people who ran the place weren’t even home. I’m guessing it is good thing we didn’t see the alleged Santa Claus that was supposed to be there with the reindeer.

Me: At least we tried!

Brain: You know what the best part of the trip was?

Me: I am afraid to ask.

Brain: When you pulled into the wrong trailer, thinking it was the office. And that nice man thought that you were hospice and had come to care for his dying mother.

Me: I feel terrible about that.

Brain: Only you could manage to interrupt a dying woman’s family suffering by trying to go to a petting zoo with reindeer. Bravo! This is one for the books!