Why not?

Brain: Stop that!

Me: I’m just dreaming.

Brain: No, you are planning. Stop it now!

Me: Wouldn’t it be amazing? I’ll pay off my law degree in five years, and then I could do it.

Brain: Stop it!

Me: Look at the pretty pictures!

Brain: No! And where the hell is Dubrovnik?!

Me: Croatia!

Brain: Oh, hell. We are moving to Croatia aren’t we?

Effing Cat

2:30 AM

I am awakened as Agatha cleans the inside of my left nostril. I wake up, come to terms with what is happening, extract myself from the grooming, and gently place the cat on the floor.

2:46 AM

Agatha bites my chin. Hard. There is blood. I shriek and dump cat on the floor. Fall back asleep holding Kleenex to my chin.

2:58 AM

I have rolled to my stomach. The sleep shirt has ridden up. Agatha licks, then bites the crevice where my thigh and buttock meet. I jackknife up, an impressive feat for someone lying on their stomach. I toss the cat off the bed.

3:08 AM

Agatha cleans the inside of my ear. I bolt upright in bed, which somehow offends the cat. She jumps off the bed, assumes an undignified position and begins to clean her behind.

3:14 AM

Agatha drapes herself across my face. Her chest rests on my ear and she purrs with the loudness and vibration of an outboard motor. Her stomach covers my mouth and nose, cutting off my oxygen. As hypoxia sets in, so does realization.

“Agatha, can you see the bottom of your food bowl?”

It takes me a minute to realize the cat is not going to respond. Not sure if the cognitive delay is due to oxygen deprivation or the fact that it is 3:14 in the freaking morning.

I get up, stumble to the food bowl, and see a dime-sized silver area in the middle of the bowl. I shake the bowl, effectively covering the small silver circle with food.

The cat deigns to sit down and eat. I stagger back to bed.

Effing cat.

Deep Questions

Boss: What’s the kind of hamburger you eat on a bun?

Me: …

Boss:You know what I’m talking about.

Me: …

Boss: Sloppy Joes!!!

Me: …

Realities of Special Needs

Munchkin: Is that where I scratched you?

Me: Yes, Baby.

Munchkin: Is that where I bruised you?

Me: It’s okay, Baby.

Munchkin: But bruises and scratches hurt. *bursts into tears* I don’t want you to hurt. I’m so sorry, Mommy!

Me: It’s okay, Baby. I love you.

Munchkin: *sobs uncontrollably* I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m sorry!

And this is why unsolicited advice such as “just pop her” and “don’t let her control you” is so damaging. Munchkin can’t help herself in her flares. It would be like trying to smack diabetes out of a child.

Saturday Night!

Single People with Social Lives: 7:30 pm. I suppose we could start considering what are plans are for tonight…

Married People: It’s 7:30 pm. Time to start debating omg what we are going to watch tonight…

Me: HOLY HELL! Munchkin is in bed!!!! I am getting some sleep, STAT!

Munchkin: *screams at the top of her lungs*

Me: Dammit.

Grown Ups

The daycare sent home a piece of construction paper with “when I grow up, I want to be…” written on it.

Brain: She is too young for this. You don’t even know what you want to be.

Me: What the hell. Munchkin, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Munchkin: *screws up face in thought* I want to be a vegetable.

Me: A vegetable?

Munchkin: Yes. And a mirror!

Me: Okay. Good talk.

Brain: At least she has dreams…

Private Parts

Munchkin, who recently turned four, has a weekly OT appointment. I sit in the waiting room. This week I was summoned back to speak with the OT.

OT: I don’t know how to tell you this.

Me:…

OT: Munchkin needed to use the bathroom, so I took her.

Me: Okay…

OT: She went into the bathroom, closed the door, and pulled her pants and panties down.

Me: Okay…

OT (flushes beet red): Instead of using the potty, she opened the door, exposed herself to everyone in the hallway, and yelled, “Look at my vulva!”

Brain: Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!

Me: I see.

OT: I can’t believe she knew that word. Have you discussed keeping private parts private?

Brain: Don’t laugh! Don’t laugh!

Me: Yes. She knows private parts are private. We focus on where things are appropriate, such as her bedroom or bathroom. It is important to me that she isn’t ashamed.

OT: I agree! I know she is young, but I wanted you to know. Maybe you could address the appropriate locations with her again.

Me: Technically, she was in the bathroom.

OT: …

Writing

Everyone: You want to be a “real” writer and you haven’t read this book???

Me: No.

Everyone: You will never be a real writer without this book.

Me: Fine. I will read it.

Book: Schindler’s List and Die Hard are the same movie.

Me: I will never be a “real” writer…

Kids and Kittens

Munchkin: I want to lick Agatha.

Me: What?

Munchkin: I want to lick Agatha.

Me: Why?

Munchkin: Because, I want to!

Me: No.

Munckin: But, I want to lick my kitty cat!

Me: No! You may not lick Agatha.

Munchkin: I’m not going to be your daughter anymore!

Me: Okay, BUT DON’T LICK THE CAT!

Students in a Line

Boss: Look at the line of students from the bookstore, all the way across the green, and past the library.

Me: Holy cow! They are going to be in line for days… Wait. Why are they facing away from the bookstore?