2017 Work Conference

Me: Conference starts after lunch. I need to go downstairs and learn the levels and various rooms. 

Brain: You just want to see the give-aways. 

Me: Please. I am a professional. OMG! Look at all this SWAG!!!

Brain: You do realize that these booths aren’t open yet. 

Me: They left this stuff out for us.

Brain: You are giddily stealing notepads, legal pads, post it notes, and pens. 

Me: Isn’t it AMAZING?!?!?! Wait. Where are the highlighters?!

Brain: And people wonder why you never married.

Traveling while female

I was walking towards the shuttle office, when I heard what all women despise: the condescending, sexist objectification that falls just short of cat-calling. I kid you not, this man said, “Well there you are gorgeous! I’ve been looking for you all morning.”

I looked around and verified that I was the only other person in the dark parking lot at 5:37 in the morning. I chose to ignore him and continued toward the office with my rolling bag clacking along.

He kept at it. “I am so lucky to have such a pretty girl here this morning.”

Did he really just call me a GIRL?!?!

“Seeing my pretty girl here makes me happy.”

Okay. This was finally too much. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, tried to ignore my anxiety, turned to confront the man, and almost dragged my suitcase across the tail of an obese cat, who was apparently the focus of his objectification.

(I have decided that this is acceptable cat-calling)

I am a terrible mother

Me:  *shrieks hysterically at Baby*
Me:   I am so sorry. Baby, Mommy shouldn’t have yelled at you.
Baby:  It’s okay, Mommy. I am sorry I yelled at you.
Me:  Thank you for being so sweet and forgiving Mommy.
Baby:  Tomorrow, I don’t yell at Mommy and Mommy doesn’t yell at Baby.
Me:  *the GUILT!!!*
Baby:  I love you, Mommy! Thank you for taking care of me.
Me:  I am dying.
Brain:  Drown in your guilt. DROWN!!!!